Console Warriors

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"For Lovers, Not Fighters."

Console Warrior

(impotens miser) 

1. One who fights for their chosen gaming machine, whatever it may be, against the empirically wrong opposing side.
2. (If over the age of 10) An incomprehensible moron.
3. Someone who comforts a person by fighting skillfully. 

CONSOLE WARRING! What was once a usually good-natured ribbing of machines you didn’t have; is now a violent sport for the truly pathetic! 

In the past we may have had playground, non-violent, skirmishes over whether SEGA was better than Nintendo, or if James Pond could beat up the Manic Miner, but they were the small affairs of children. The largest airing they ever achieved were the hamfisted, and occasionally disturbingly violent, pictures that appeared in the letters page of our magazines. Though as time went on, we left them behind, often finally playing all the games we missed as they became cheap and just enjoying the whole era. 

Perhaps I was lucky that those old wars were just silly name-calling and magazine letters that were of no harm or consequence. Maybe other people had it worse, but it does seem like people have taken their warring to a more ridiculous, angry level. A quick search on Youtube turns up many depressing (and hilarious) videos of idiots threatening death upon the fans of the console opposed to theirs. They’ll invent whatever they need to justify their superiority (though strict conformation to their brand), they’ll posture, brandish cheap practice swords and utter impossible threats. Embarrassing themselves for eternity in honour of two machines which are, for game-playing purposes, practically identical. It’s depressing even to write about it.

I say let’s go back to the old era. If we’re going to fight, and let’s face it stopping humans fighting is like stopping them breathing (possible; but they end up dead), let’s do it with our tongues in our cheeks! We can poke fun at all the flaws, let's face it every machine has a bucketload, we can cheerfully mock the characters, but the most important point is to not take it seriously, ever, because if you do that you’re thicker than a pig shit milkshake. Be aware. 

So to that end, here’s a phenomenal picture by the absurdly talented Dave Valente! It may be difficult, but see if you can guess which character he roots for:

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